Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
