I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
