i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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