you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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