just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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