If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
