He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Panties = found
Randomize
