I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
