Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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