Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
