the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
