I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
