Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
