from now on my penis is your penis
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
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