dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
