it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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