It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
