i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
