My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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