just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
