FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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