I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
