You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
