my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
