I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize