K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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