Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
The Olympian is in my bed
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
