Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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