so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
