Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
