Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
