my phone needs a breathalizer
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
