fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
