it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
