I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
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