I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
