wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize