Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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