i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
