so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
