I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
