i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
