So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
