Sorry, I don't speak sober.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Terrible idea I love it
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
