her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
