I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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