I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
