It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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