thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
