He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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