If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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