I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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