i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
