wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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