I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
you would pick up someone in the library
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
