You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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