Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
