i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
