Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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