Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
