I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
