I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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