Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
