You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
