wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
