she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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