i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
