you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
