Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
